No feelings. Period.

Over the years, I have watched how some people, myself included, go through the same cycles day after day after year after year. Whilst some people inevitably deal with the situations and climb out of the hole, or live with certain circumstances, others simply fail to see the light (for whatever reasons) and carry on living in the vicious cycle. Often times, as time and age comes to pass, they end up blaming everyone else around them, the world and everything, but themselves.

Some choose to believe that they will die misunderstood. I have questioned if they really understand themselves at all first? The typical response is a defiant one.

After 20 years of coming to terms and living with such characters in my life, I am almost ready to throw in the towel and give up hope. I always remember a saying, if they don't help themselves, no one can. And if no one can help them, then only God can change them.

That being said, a part of me is also aware that it was through helping others and having hope in them that made me feel hopeful and be able to help my own self out of situations. But these days, I cannot seem to care less. I am numb towards living and dealing with these situations. But then why is is the less I care, the worse it becomes? The rift gets bigger, and whilst I carry on my life, they start to think even more negatively than ever. Suddenly, I have become the enemy.

There isn't much that I can do, and even if I did, I ask myself, what is the point? My heart is no longer in it to help you. It is a kind of subdued anger that I don't know how to deal with. It isn't my fault that I am the way I am and you are the way you are. If you can't accept it, there isn't much else I can do to change the way you think. I just want to move on. Maybe in this case, I should say move out.

No feelings. I am choosing to ignore these issues for now.

Lifeless

Its a cool (cold) night. That, packaged with a migraine which left me feeling cloudy-headed and nauseaus the whole day, plus long hours spent Grandfather's wake with nothing to do except sit around and "mingling" with the relatives has left me with only one word to describe the current mood - Depressing.

It was Day 3 today. Tomorrow the prayers and rituals start and then Monday, the grand finale. I am glad, in a way, that he is finally at peace. But somehow the situation has left me feeling tired and strangely drained of energy. Do all funerals do this to people?

All that free time spend sitting around, I tried to get some reading done, but it was hard today with a brain that wasn't functioning. The recent months I've seen people falling out of love and breaking up and then trying to cope with the new found chapters they've been thrown into. And it got me to wondering about love and relationships. My friends' and perhaps my own included. How many times do we have to go through the happiness and then heartbreak before we find that perfect fit? More and more, I feel afraid of approaching love with the fear of the heartbreak that inevitably seems to come with it. But then again, these could be words that accompany the sadness of tonight.

I have little words to describe now. Am only seeking comfort in a hot cup of tea and caramel biscuits. Maybe I should join the sister in her morning jog tomorrow in efforts to pump some life back into me.

When your personal information goes public

An incident which occured this week has lead me to ponder on 2 things. How far would we go to get information that is in no way related to us, and perhaps in a larger picture, how safe is our personal information when handed over to retailers?

I think alot of us take a very casual approach towards providing our personal information to retailers, sometimes for the purpose of getting store updates, joining the store's VIP membership, taking part in surveys and etc. However, I believe such an approach comes with the fact that we trust the retailer to handle our information with care and take the necessary security measures in ensuring the confidentiality of the information which we provide.

It has never been a big issue to me, up until this week when I was informed by an acquaintance that she'd manage to find out what my sister and I had purchased (almost a month ago) at a store (of which I am supposed to be a VIP member of) from a very friendly salesgirl.

Wanting to know more, I called up the store requesting to speak with the salesgirl to find out how and why did she see the need to share my transaction history, without my consent, with a complete stranger?

From her point of view, a person had walked into the store claiming to be my friend, and that she was currently in correspondence with me over sms wanting to know about I had bought there previously. But because I didn't reply the sms, this person then made an enquiry with her by providing her my name and my telephone number to check the store's system for what I had purchased previously and some other issues.

Lets even ignore the fact that I am supposed to be a privileged customer at that store. Lets also ignore the burning question of why this person was so curious in knowing what I had bought that she had to give away my personal particulars to a store to find out as well. I was surprised at how insistent she was on the fact that "because she said she is your friend! And she had your name and telephone number!" which was what led her to go and use the information provided by this "friend" to check the store system for what I had purchased.

Lets then now also add that despite her wanting to be very helpful to the said "friend", at the end of it all, and without a word of apology, she asked me, "So miss, what do you want me to do now?". Enough said.

You see, the point here is not entirely about revealing what I had purchased. But it is with how casually information can be obtained from such careless salespeople. What is to stop her from giving out my residential address? Or my Identity Card number? Or better yet, if they ever do store them, my credit card numbers? And even if she did feel the need to help this potential other client to get the information, the very least she could have done was to call me to make a simple verification and seek my consent before giving out the information. And that brings me back to the fact that I am supposed to be a VIP member?

Why not publish all your clients' transaction history in the newspapers then?
Or better yet, allow this person claiming to be my friend to purchase something and have it charged to my account? "Because she said she is your friend!".

With the increasing growth in the number of cases of identity theft, stealing IC numbers to register for services, credit card fraud and what have you, I am very concerned about how casually our information can be disclosed to anyone.

Exactly how are the retailers training their salespeople to handle client information? In my telephone conversation with the very friendly and helpful salesgirl, I had failed to make her see my point. I don't blame her, there are reasons why some people are hired as Salesgirls, and some are hired as Customer Relationship Executives. The following day, I spoke with the retailer's customer relationship manager. Whether or not she was sincere (although she did sound it), she was also surprised at how the situation was handled by her staff. Putting herself in my shoes, she would not have liked this to happen to her as well.

With retailers, in my opinion, it is now common knowledge that our personal particulars, are often times gathered and then re-used for other purposes. But apparently now, with friends, it can also be loosely used without consent. But that is another story altogether.

I am due to hear back from the manager on the measures she has taken to educate her floor staff. But until then, how would you feel when faced with such a situation?

Reflections

September-October has been a pretty strange month for me. It is the time of the year where it is not really at the end, but just a quarter away and you get the sudden realisation that, yes missy, another year has just flashed past you. And I start to reflect and wonder about what I've achieved this year.

2007 was great. 2008 I think got caught in between growing up, growing old and trying to move on. Where you've grown up and on the verge of growing "old" but you're neither here nor there.

I spent alot of time this year feeling my way around the dark, trying to figure out which path I really want to take. I'm not sure if I've figured that out yet, but I think that sometimes if you stop looking and stop "trying to figure it out" for a while, those things may inevitably find you in their own way.

Strangely enough, 2008 seems to be a bumpy year for most people I know - for all kinds of reasons. Myself included. But sometimes I think, whilst we have lots of bad times, we have a lot of good times too. It is mostly just about where you focus your memories on, the good or the bad ones. And as I get older, I realise that life isn't getting any easier, but we deal with it better because of the experiences we've collected over the years.

When I was schooling, and then started working, I always thought that I wanted to be this and that and be up there with a great career going on and having all the things that defined a "good life". When good things happened, I felt great about myself. When bad things happened, I cried, threw tantrums, complained the shit out of myself and then dealt with it. Many a time I wondered about where I was really headed in life, was I going to be meant for greater things? If I wasn't, why? What was I not doing right?

People always say that at the last few moments just before you die, your whole life flashes before your eyes. I can tell you now thats bullshit. If you knew any better, your whole life can flash right before your eyes any time you want, only if you want to open your eyes to see it. Its just like your bank statement online, you can view past month, past month up till current, past 6 months etc.

And as I did my own kind of "life flashing before your eyes" thing, I now think that at some point, I stopped questioning the whys and started living it my way. When I stopped worrying about how society or the people around me were doing, I think that is when I actually started living for my life the way I wanted it and things start falling into place on their own.

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." The Alchemist (1988) by Paulo Coelho

Sometimes some things are just not meant for us to have at the time. Perhaps it is because we are not ready so it doesn't happen. Sometimes it is simply because we fail to take off our sunglasses to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

If I remember correctly, 2007 was a year of breakthrough. 08, shall be classified as a year of learning. So 2009, perhaps a year of experiences. When I can look at things this way, I think that on my own terms, I can say to myself that I have arrived and I am glad.

When letting it pass you is no longer enough

We live, we learn.
Sometimes we let time and life pass us by.
We watch and let it go, and at times hardly even remembering.

I have to remember to count my blessings each day because this year has passed too quickly for me. Maybe not just me alone la huh?

Where some people really know what they want, I never really know what it is that I want, and nothing is ever really enough.

Maybe the idea is to lose it all and build a drive from scratch.
The only dilemma is about choosing the ultimate goal.

When you are at crossroads, how do you choose which way to go?

For most of my life, I've let events take place as they are. I control my life by deciding "yes" or "no" to each opportunity that comes my way. So in alot of ways , I am not a "go-getter", maybe just a "getter" (lol). But as the years start passing quicker, somehow the pressure to finally get it figured out starts to set in.

And I really have a burning question in me...

It begins with how people generally make decisions because the choices are limited, or circumstances force them into it. Whether they like the decision or not is a different topic to be thought about.

But when we have many life choices to review, each with its own set of positive looking outcomes, how then do we decide which one to take?

Lessons learnt from a shattered dream

I was lounging about at home last Saturday when Ashley shared a newspaper article with me. Since I live in a household where we don't get papers delivered to us, she had to read the article out to me online. (Note : I couldn't find The Straits Times article on the internet, but I managed to get it directly from its source.)

If I recall correctly, I had first watched the Animal Planet documentary about the tiger conservation project happening in Tiger Temple Thailand in 2004/2005. I vaguely recall being impressed and glad at how well the project was doing. I marvelled at how a single Buddhist monk could put together this amazing feat of caring for tigers.

Then came about discussing this documentary with a fellow friend, and that sparked the idea of actually visiting the Tiger Temple. Airtickets were bought, everything was arranged. 2 weeks prior to take off, I had some unfortunate emergency and my trip was cancelled. Needless to say, I was disappointed, but I took it in my stride and determined to make plans to go again someday. That was how a visit to the Tiger Temple and contact with a real live tiger became a dream. My dream.

It was a year later in 2006 when by another chance discussion with a couple of girlfriends that we would come together and plan that fateful trip to Thailand. I sold the Animal Planet story and my dream to these 2 ladies, and 8 weeks later, the 3 of us were flying off to Bangkok and embarking on our little adventure to Tiger Temple. I was scared, thrilled, and I just couldn't wait to get there. (Ironically, I was more afraid of getting abducted by villains, or raped and sold to the sex trade than being attacked or eaten alive by a well-known predator, tigers.)

That trip made a mark in my life. I will always remember it as a dream that I achieved on my own. Something that I could mark down as a significant point in my life and that I could someday look back and tell stories about. To me, not many people would have had the chance, or interest, or courage to come into close contact with such animals. Whats more, I love tigers for everything that they are.

But 2 years later, I am now filled with regret and shame for having enough stupidity to have fallen into yet another tourist trap. Where I was once silly, I now know better. Having read the full report on the exploit of the tigers, the illegal breeding and trafficking, the abuse of the tigers, I look back and realise how I failed to see the signs before.

Even now, I struggle to find the words to express how I feel. A part of me didn't want to believe that the report was true, tears fell as I read the article word for word. It may seem silly, but as Grace put it, it was a cause that I truly believed in and was proud of to have at least been a small part of it.

I guess the worst is that in knowing that such a thing is happening, and yet not knowing how best to do something to alleviate the situation...the entire experience just feels strange and sits on a thin fence of being washed into unimportance, forgotten and simply ignored.

When problems that happen are far away from you, whether geographically, physically or just simply not something that is part of your daily life, it may bug us for a day or so and then we just "forget" about it. How many of us walk around with that tiny little nagging feeling of that far away problem and then chuck it away into the masses of "Unimportant Information" in our minds? Simply because "there's nothing I can do about it also what?". Ignorance is what puts us and our dying world where it is today. Countless articles, and reports, and television programs are popping up to tell us that the place we live in is slowly dying, animal species which we are familiar with are on the brink of extinction because of deforestation, habitat destruction, poaching, illegal animal trade, etc. How many of us actually make a conscious effort (regardless of how small) to do our part to help? Or is it because it isn't a part of our responsibilities?

A world dying, but can we unite to save it?
World Species dying out like flies, says WWF

I bet that most of us, myself included, will simply ask, "What can I do?". Maybe some of us may even brush it off is ridiculous, "Please lah..I have more important things to think about.". Even then, it isn't wrong either. We can't drop everything and throw ourselves into solving worldly problems, we have to settle our own livelihood first.

I digress. But it is from this experience that makes me realise how ignorant I have been towards the things that I have a passion for - animal conservation. And it came about simply because I was caught up with the materialism that is quickly taking over our lives in the strive for more. Ignorant because the problems are not a part of my daily life's routine. Ignorant because it is too big for me, and too far away for me to keep track of. But at the end of the day, it is always the conscious effort to educate oneself with the relevant information to prevent us from being ignorant. And that is what I will aim to do, in the hopes that whatever little I can do to join in will contribute to the solutions.

The bittersweet taste of Defeat.

Welcome back to me.
I think I only ever want to put my feelings down in words when I am down and inspirationally hopeless in hopes that I will be able to make some sense amidst the somewhat confusion that I feel.

It has been 6 months since I decided to switch out and into a new career called Real Estate. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, and that not everyone is cut out for it and that it might take some time, or alot of time, before we see any development at all. In short, I was mentally prepared (amidst other preparations) for it. Or so it seems. I did everything I was taught to do, well almost, went through the few clients, but for some reason, nothing concrete is coming my way. I continued to plough through it, determined that yes, it can be done. Determined to prove everyone who thought that I could not, that I could. I think I charged, or raged through the 6 months with everything I had.

And then a a good 3 weeks ago, it started creeping in on me in the most unexpected way you could ever know. What again?

Defeat.

I have been in denial. Refusing to accept that I am defeated. Yes. I am defeated. Phew. That wasn't too hard. It took me 3 weeks, soon to be 4, and then a month, maybe 2, or more, to finally concede to the fact that the only reason I can be the way I am now is because I am defeated. Not entirely by myself, but probably circumstances as well. As I have reviewed as many details as I could of the events that has passed, I cannot pinpoint to any one item that I could say, "So thats where things went wrong!". And at the same time, it seems so spiteful to push the "blame" to the market condition, because whats to say I could be in the same situation as now even if the market were better?

But anyway, as much as I want to dwell on the details of how down and uninspired I am feeling, I'd really rather start on how I can get myself back up. Because really, I am living the life of a bum now. I have problems waking up every morning, and on the mornings that I don't have a problem waking up, I wake up with a headache.

Daily routine for the past 2 weeks has circled around waking up, morning things, coffee, check/read/reply email, chit chat msn, do some unimportant activity I call work. By the time lunch time is over, I feel like I've done enough for the day, and proceed to get changed, go out, meet up with girlfriends (who also happen to be on 1/2 day leave) and shop shop shop.

Retail therapy. I have bought scores of clothes, bags, cosmetics, skin care, junk food, storage boxes, decorating crystals, Paris Hilton dresses (more of that later), the entire 6 seasons of Sex and the City, and I have even considered going all the way and getting a new laptop or a really expensive watch to boot. I have bought everything I could possibly need and still I am unable to fill in the gaping hole in my spirit. Oh, sorry, what spirit?

Well, for some very blessed reason, which even I myself fail to comprehend, I am still not yet broke, but if this defeated mood continues, I will, very surely, be broke. And at this point where I am completely at a loss of how to get things back up, to fit myself back into the rat race, I am almost hoping that if I complete watching the 6 seasons of SATC, some kind of inspiration and ray of hope and determination will be magically bestowed on me and I will be the Abby I was 6 months ago, roaring and raring to go. Yes, I wait for the golden words to flow from Carrie Bradshaw's mouth that will show me The Way.

Unfortunately, the realist in me doubts that that is going to happen, even if it doesn't stop the bimbo in me from diving through the whole 6 seasons for the fun of it.

And when I don't have the answer for such situations, I can only look to God and know that He probably has something in store for me if I will just trust Him. I don't know what it is, and I know that I need to do something to change my life (again) and learn (again). And I smile at that thought because despite it all, I can very safely say that this is the only thing that saves me from being depressed. As cliche as it sounds, I relish in knowing that my life's purpose is being taken care of if only I will do what He wants (which I often don't) and that I am very blessed. And I try not to take that for granted.

I am doing a pretty good job of convincing myself here.

Needless to say, this is the point where I come in and ask myself. What's next?

The only good thing is, I can only say that I think I will just continue penning these thoughts, up until I have an answer. Up until I find myself again. Well, maybe not find myself myself, but find whatever that needs to fill things up. Maybe by then, I will decide that this could be the right journey.

And at the end of it all, much as "defeated" sounds grey, worrying, and sad. Or, like how Gweex says if we want a glimpse of whats next to come in our lives, we just close our eyes to be able to see the answer - its Dark. Much as everything is as bleary as the recent weather, I like feeling defeated the way I do now. Because in any logical situation, whatever goes up must come down. And whatever goes down, cannot stay down forever. It will come up at some point in time. And for that, I believe, will be happening to me. Sometime. Soon.

Until then.